Tagged: humor

Too Much Disposable Income: Jos. A. Bank’s Buy 1 Get 7 Free Promotion

To me it would seem like you would only need to shop at Jos. A. Bank at maximum 3 times a year to get a years worth of wardrobe. I am not sure how they get repeat customers, because if things are always on sale, why not just buy a whole bunch in one go. Macy’s doesn’t even have this many sales. Do you have to consistently replace clothes, because they don’t last that long?  Maybe they have crack in the clothing. (Note 1: there was a story about the flame retardant in furniture giving people cancer today, another reason not to sit-down. Note 2: Is the reason why we love money, because of the cocaine found in dollars?) Jos. A. Bank’s buy 1 get 3 free promotion seems to have been going on, since the recession in 2008.

I have always pondered, if I was male would I go to Jos. A Bank or Men’s Warehouse, because I identify with the cool bald guy in the chair that says “You’re gonna like the way you look.”  Jos A. Bank always has male prep school looking models. To be truthful, if I was a male and had that bald guy’s swag, it really wouldn’t matter if I wore Men’s Warehouse all the time. But, I guess that’s the point.

Anyways the debate is finally over, because the crack that JoS. A. Bank puts in their clothes, must have gotten to their marketing team with this new buy 1 get 7 free promotion.

Buy One Sport Coat, and get:

  • 2 pairs of pants;
  • 2 sweaters;
  • 2 sportshirts +
  • Android Smartphone (w/2 year contract).

I noticed that this is not online, so it is probably just in store. I am not sure if it is nationwide either. However, if you were  holding out for the buy 1 get 4 free promotion, hold out a little longer because the apocalypse of Jos. A. Bank sales may soon be coming to a store near you. Although, I am pretty sure, Jos. A Bank will try to outdo itself again.

Why can’t women have these deals!

Crest White Strips Makes the Difference When Determining Whether You Are “The Ex” or “The One that Got Away”

Crest toothpaste Purchased Feb. 2005 in Atlant...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am not sure what advertising firm made this one up, but I actually had to pause and say wow to this illogical argument.

Guy (looking at beautiful ex-girlfriend who now is a user of crest white strips): “You look amazing”

Voice Over: (With Crest White Strips) “You won’t just be the ex, you’ll be the one that got away.”

Argument

  • Premise: She is the one that got away.
  • Crest’s Conclusion: It must be because she uses crest white strips.
  • My Conclusion: Maybe its because she is a model and is still in good shape post break-up. Generally, people are upset when their ex-partner looks better post break-up (see Jennifer Anniston for post break up beautification, but as pretty as Angelina Jolie is Brad Pitt has become less attractive).   It seems that the only way that a guy would regret letting a woman go based on teeth discoloration, is if her teeth were grossly yellow. I don’t think they were. If one cares about teeth, then they probably will not partner with a poor dental hygiene (yellowtooth). Note: in the U.S. there is dental work discrimination (i.e. if your teeth are messed up, people are less like to take you seriously). Nonetheless, there is one instance where this commercial would be on point,  if they were in a long term relationship  and there was a slow decline into yellowhood.

They took Maybelline catch phrase to the extreme. At least Maybelline allows the consumer to decide, when they say, “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.”

Unfortunately, I cannot find the video, but I am pretty sure that this is the same woman. So, it still proves my point. But see the idiocy here too, teeth whitening also makes your passport photo unrecognizable.

Too Much Disposable Income: Brookstone is Now a Sex Shop?

Brookstone Outlet Store, Kittery Maine

Brookstone Outlet Store, Kittery Maine (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you been to your local Brookstone lately? For those of you who are unaware, Brookstone sells electronic gadgets similar to the now defunct Sharper Image. I consider Brookstone another one of those places you go when you have too much diposable income and/or are looking for latest greatest technology to buy that you are convinced will make your life easier.

During Sharper Image’s going out of  business sale I had a field day, thus I haven’t felt a need to enter any gadget store in a while. I still don’t know how to fully utilize the stuff I have now, which includes a satellite clock radio with some very complicate weather predictions. However, after riding the plane and feeling bored I picked up SkyMall, the notorious catalogue of stuff for people who have too much disposable income. I must say that the assortment of gargoyles are looking much better these days. Although, I still do not feel the need for any Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings jewelry. Nonetheless, there were some gadgets that caught my eye. This was the start of me subconsciously thinking that I need some more gadgets.

So on my latest trip to the mall, in which I was accompanied by mother, I was drawn to Brookstone. I was already excited by the new outdoor speaker for the ipod/iphone that included several cool lighting features, when I saw the neck massagers. Side Note: apparently, experts are now using a life vest design for neck massagers, but what they don’t realize is that it is really an upper back massager. The new massagers were on the right in the front of the store along with foot massagers and personal massagers.

In the personal massagers section, they had the massagers that  look like microphones, which are used to pinpoint areas of stress. As I looked down, I couldn’t figure out why the microphones were getting smaller. Then, I saw a massager that was a ring. I was like “Wow, I guess you can massage one finger at a time.” Then, I put all the context clues together and looked at my mom, waiting for confirmation. My mom said, “That looks like a dildo.” Then we started cracking up, when a salesman approached us and said “It is what you think it is.” He then followed it up with, you should contact Brookstone about this, because I am having a hard time with it being on my sales floor.

Open Letter to Brookstone:

Dear Brookstone,

I think it is great that you have provided a place where people can easily access products for pleasure and believe that you could become a market leader. Note to Self: Find out more about Brookstone’s financials.  However, please be aware that trying to slip products for pleasure in the personal massage section is very uncouth. Second, if it a product for pleasure, say it and write a proper description of what the product does. Third, I am sure that you could sell more product, if you put these products in the back of the strore. People need to time to peruse without the glare of unapproving bystanders.

Sincerely,

Peevish Magnifying Glass

Click Here for Brookstone’s Personal Massagers, which once again commingles products for stress and pleasure. Lelo is the key terminology that differentiates the products.

I Want One: Native Unions’s Retro Pop Phone

Lenny Kravitz using phone via Flickr by farm8

A while ago, I got into an argument with a lady who works at Wendy’s. She stated that it was dangerous to have your cell phone so close to your ears. I was using my headphones at the time. I was wondering how far away is my phone supposed to be.

I joked with a friend about an idea called “cell mate.” (Patent is very close to pending.) A “cell mate” is a long cord with a receiver  attached to cell phone that  sits in a radio flyer wagon. Envision placing your cell phone in a radio flyer wagon and dragging it. At the same time, you would use your other hand to to hold the receiver.

I was hoping that this would address the concern that the lady from Wendy’s had about radio frequencies. I was predicting that 5 ft would be enough to put her apprehension of using a cell phone with headphones to rest. Although, since I was unable to find the time to do market research, I put the idea on hold. Apparently, someone else was able to complete the study about the proper distance accepted by apprehensive cell phone consumers.

Native Union found that the retro “Pop Phone” with an approximately 3 feet cord reduces radiation absorbed by the head by 95%. In addition to reducing radiation, these phones also give you that cool 1980s feel. I discovered the design while watching Taiwanese Drama Skip Beat and ever since, I believe that the possibilities for this phones are boundless. As phones get thinner and thinner, this huge phone attachment seems like a necessary anomaly.

Every now and then, people want to use an older method of performing an action, because it makes it seem more real. Apparently, holding a big block to your head and talking is one of these actions. Some other examples include: taking the steps instead of the escalator or elevator, going inside of a gas station to pay, doing math calculations using paper, walking to another person’s desk to talk, maintaining friendships by meeting with people offline, and watching t.v. in real time.

Plus, cool people look cooler when they use it! (See Lenny Kravitz above.) Nerdy people look cute. See manager in Skip Beat.

Yes, Wild Turkeys Can Fly! (They don’t just trot.)

Thanksgiving Turkey

Thanksgiving Turkey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Am I the only one that did not know this? Maybe it is because when I made them in arts in crafts I never was told to show them with their full wingspan. It could also be due to the fact that there are not enough flying turkey pictures. I thought that they were similar to chickens, where they could lift off the ground and glide for about 5 feet. However, after three encounters with wild turkeys on roads, I have made an about face.

Unfortunately, turkey number one was a hit and run. I was a passenger in the car that ran a turkey over on a highway with barriers on the sides. For the life of me, I could not figure out how it got on the highway and suddenly appeared in front of car. It was messy…. However, this messy event peeked my suspicion.

The second turkey I saw was also in the middle of the street, but this one flew about 10 feet from the street and perched itself on a the top of a hill by the side of the road. That was when I thought turkey’s were like chickens, gliding hear and there. I figured that this second turkey must have been a case of turkey exceptionalism, because I hadn’t seen anything like it.

Turkey number three took the cake. I was riding through the countryside and was enjoying the scenic view. While driving between a hill that had been blasted through, meaning that rock/earth aligned the road, a turkey flew over the car from one side on of the hill to the other. In my eyes,  when a bird starts flying twenty-five feet and it actually makes an arc, it’s flying.

Turkey number three was probably 20lbs based on my previous Thanksgiving shopping experiences. Seeing a bird with that big of a body fly in this day and age is a true feet of nature.  So, I just wanted to take some time to appreciate turkeys for something other than being delicious sleep aid.

The commentary for this flying turkey video is kind of hilarious, but it can also be found to be annoying. Understated Tip: You can always mute the sound.

Happy Very Belated St. Patrick’s Day: Hopefully You Did Not Celebrate It in a Paddy Wagon

Paddywagon, 1909

Paddywagon, 1909 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Note: Its been a while. This post, along with several others, was supposed to get done earlier. But, I live by the mantra “Procrastinators Unite… Tomorrow.” There are t-shirts available here.

Anyways, a question hit me while I was in Boston for St. Patricks Day; what is the etymology of the term Paddy Wagon. Did it have anything to do with “Paddy”? The answer to that question is most likely yes. Thus, next time you see a police van: 1) be happy that you are not in it and 2) be happy that you are not an Irishman living in America in the early 1930s.

Under both theories regarding the origin of the term Paddy Wagon, the realities are harsh. The first theory is based on the fact that early in the early 1900s Irishmen made up a sizable amount of many police forces. I am pretty sure this still rings true today. However, can you imagine how complex it would be to be a police officer during the Great Depression?  The second theory relies on conjecture; there was a lot of crime among Irish immigrants.

Hope you have an even better St. Patrick’s Day next year with a Guinness and a hotel within walking distance. Hopefully, my post celebrating it will be earlier.

Side Note: I also noticed that wordpress does not automatically capitalize “i”—> annoying.

The Trouble with Bathrooms

English: photo of toilet seat

Image via Wikipedia

Lack of Toilet Seat Covers: We could save a lot of trees by putting toilet seat covers in bathrooms. I waste a lot of paper trying to form a do-it-yourself toilet seat cover. It seems that whenever I put the second sheet on, one piece or both falls down the drain. I am not sure if there is a mandate in California, but I greatly appreciate there being toilet seat covers everywhere. In O’Hare Airport they have these neat plastic rotating covers, but I don’t like the feel of the plastic as much.

No Paper Towels: Since the new thing is not to put paper towels in the bathroom to save on paper and to cut down on janitorial cost, then put in good hand dryers. Note: I don’t think that the lack of paper towels has anything to do with saving the earth. Thus, the Xlerator is the new standard, that dryer is strong. So good, I don’t mind initiating the cleaning process when I spill something on myself, because I know I will be dry when I walk out. The dyson is good too, but it seems that the touchless part is not really touchless, my hand always seem to hit the sides or the bottom. Also, it is harder to dry clothes.

No Trash Can or Insufficient Can: Just because you don’t offer paper towels, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer a trash can. I still have stuff to throw away.

Handles When Exiting the Bathroom: If you are going to place a handle on the door, please place it on the outside of the bathroom. I understand that people do not want to make contact with the door before using their toilet tissue, but it is really a waste of time washing one’s hands if you have to touch a handle on the way out. Also, the germaphobes can wash before and after, if needed.

Ladies Need a Space for Their Stuff: I hate sitting stuff on the floor, so if you choose to have a tank then get one with a flat top. I don’t like having to worry whether stuff will fall off. If there is no tank then make the feminine product box big enough to sit something on or put in a flip down shelf.

Department Store Bathrooms: Probably the number one reason I go into really nice department stores and get sucked into shopping is because I like to go to nice bathrooms. I prefer ones with waiting rooms, floor to ceiling stalls, tissue, and adequate counter space. Macy’s take note, because I feel like your bathrooms haven’t been update in at least  ten years.

Food: I often don’t go to places that don’t let customers use the bathrooms. I am just saying.

Handicap Stalls: There should be more handicap stalls.  Not just for handicapped people, but for people like me who think that people should be able to do their business at least one foot from their neighbor.

The First Stall: It is the cleanest. Use it, but don’t tell other people. Since I shared this with you, please remember it is now part of your duty to keep this one clean. For more information, here is an interesting article about dirty bathrooms and stall selection.

Places I Don’t Go:

  • Toilets in the wilderness without doors, because it’s where you are most vulnerable
  • Bathrooms located on the outside of gas station. Again, it just doesn’t seem safe and they are often overlooked for cleaning.
  • Taco Bell, Chipolte, or any place that serves a lot beans.
  • Bathrooms in places where they mostly serve kids.
  • Nightclubs and Bars after 1am.
  • The Pool.

Real Men Wear Wrangler Jeans?: The U versus the V

English: Wordmark of Wrangler Jeans. Trademark...

Image via Wikipedia

Are Wrangler 5 Star Premium Jeans going to be the new status symbol for manliness? This commercial with Brett Favre says so…

Transcript:

They say a guy should try to get out of his confort zone every now and then.

But at Wrangler, we just don’t see it that way.

That’s why Wrangler 5 star premium denim jeans are made with a U shape construction.

They don’t cut into you like jeans with a V pattern.

So, you are always right in the zone.

Room where you need it, comfort where it counts.

Wrangler, Real comfortable jeans.

There Is Hope For Bald Men: Shave It All Off

This is a Public Service Announcement for Bald Men:

If you are a man who is losing your hair, it’s okay. Trying to cover up the fact that you are going bald with a toupée or with a comb over only brings attention to the fact that you are going bald. To many, a balding man that poorly covers up the fact that he is going bald exudes vulnerability. See George Costanza in Seinfeld.

It was quite apparent that George is wearing a toupée.

Next up, the comb-forward king, Donald Trump.

Yes, Donald you have a strong hairline, but it is clear your crown is failing you.

In the last 10 years, bald men have gained traction in reasserting their attractiveness. The following are bald men that are winning:

Bruce Willis

English: Bruce Willis at the 2010 Comic Con in...

Jason Statham

Jason Statham

Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel at the Fast & Furious premiere at L...

Billy Zane

English: Billy Zane at the Cannes Film Festival

Pitbull

English: Pitbull in Enrique Iglesias Euphoria ...

Tyrese Gibson

Tyrese Gibson speaks about working with the mi...

However, there are three things that all of these men have in common: 1) they wear hair loss confidently; 2) they work out to make up for the fact that they don’t have hair; and 3) they have well groomed facial hair. Thus, if you are looking to embrace the baldness, please be aware that you should probably work on these things to maintain your attractiveness.

Workers’ Rights, Beaches Vacations, and the Cookie Monster

Beaches just put out a new commercial for their Sesame Street Caribbean Adventure for Kids promotion. While I have always wanted to go on a Beaches all inclusive vacation, I never have. Moreover, their latest commercial has lessened my enthusiasm. At the same time, it made me abs hurt from all the laughter.

The Cookie Monster randomly pops ups in the middle of the commercial and is lying down next down to the kids. That looks incredibly awkward, but what is worse is the poor soul that has to dress up in that costume. That seems like the job from Hades; walking around in a sauna on a beautiful beach while being attacked by rambunctious kids.  Hopefully, most of the meet and greets take place indoors. Otherwise, if these employees are not being paid well, these conditions seem like they would ignite sesame street performer civil unrest.

Sidenote: I hope to find a better upload soon.